MALF

Bachelor Season 23: Premiere Recap and Predictions

Kaitlynd Hiller (1L)

Season 23 of The Bachelor kicked off on January 7th with Colton Underwood starring as the next man to find love on reality television. Ah, what to say about the latest strange choice in a series of strange choices the franchise has made since Ben’s season? Nick, Arie, and now…Colton. It’s like the show is running an experiment to find out if they were to plop the least interesting man in America in front of us for two hours a week—would we still watch? No wonder the premiere featured just about everything BUT Colton: coverage of multiple watching parties from “Bachelor Nations” across the country, two random proposals from said watching parties (?), a parking lot hot tub party with Krystal and “Goose”, updates from Bachelor alums and their babies (ok, cute), and a heartwarming tribute to Chris Harrison.

It’s hard to blame them for going all-out on time fillers, though. Colton doesn’t have much to go on or much of a “fantasy” to provide. He’s 26, had a short stint in the NFL, and currently does nothing except talk about a charity that he founded and … named after … himself ..? It does feel extra creepy and profoundly lazy that they keep harping on his virginity for jokes and puns, so in that respect I do feel for the guy. However, circling back to my main gripe with Colton, he is so profoundly devoid of personality that ABC had to find SOMETHING to talk about. Should we expect more from what has become the pipeline of Homecoming Queen—to—Fab Fit Fun Boxes? Maybe, but probably not. Regardless, their experiment has been successful in my case because I don’t watch for the boys. I watch for the girls. So without further ado, here are my highlights and humble predictions of the contestants, organized into three categories: Love, Love to Hate, and Who Cares.

 Love

 Cassie: Probably the most down-to-earth girl of the bunch. She’s a speech pathologist and works with children. She’s the immediately likeable package of smart, sensitive, and sweet. She even made her painfully-corny limo schtick of “I have butterflies” (while holding out a box of plastic ~butterflies~) seem endearing. And don’t tell me you didn’t shed a tear when Colton picked one up and put it thoughtfully into his jacket pocket. Prediction: Top 3

 Onyeka: Assertive, firm but sweet, lots of personality, amazing teeth. Seems genuine and real, but definitely too much for him to handle. Prediction: Top 6

 Demi: In this category for entertainment value and back story alone. Her mom’s currently in federal prison for embezzlement but will be “out very soon” (please Bachelor gods let her make it to hometowns so we can have a prison episode!). She has the perfect amount of unhinged-ness which will no doubt lend itself to zingers throughout the season. Prediction: Top 4

Caelynn: A no-brainer for Colton (which he might need tbh). Looks like a football wifey 10/10, Miss North Carolina (one out of two pageant girls this season), good chemistry (first kiss), seems genuine and serious about the process. Prediction: Top 3

Elyse: Love, love, love this poised and glamorous Alaskan. Unfortunately she’s 31 and no doubt way out of his league. Prediction: She’ll Thank-U-Next him when the time comes.

 Love to Hate

Hannah B: Pageant queen in the worst way. Too keen and not genuine at all. She did promise us a Hot Mess Express, so I do hope she makes it long enough to deliver on that. Olivia round 2 anyone? Prediction: Top 5

Catherine: Season 23’s answer to Krystal and Corinne. Not only is she a DJ, she gave away her Pomeranian to Colton for the night (season?), and then proceeded to steal him three times throughout the cocktail party. She’s a producer pick and I foresee Colton being contractually obligated to keep her for a while, but only long enough to flesh out her character for Bachelor in Paradise. Prediction: Top 15

Tracy: If “wardrobe stylist” is your lower third, why are you showing up in a cropped wife beater gurl? Prediction: Top 10

Who Cares

Katie: Medical sales rep from Florida. Automatically suspicious of this girl as she’s obviously not wanting for money, she’s gorgeous, and she’s charming. What gives? Not sure I buy it, but Colton does (bless his virgin soul). Prediction: Top 5

 Hannah G: Also a no-brainer for Colton. Disney princess eyes and not too much drama. I would have forgotten about her if it wasn’t for her receiving the first impression rose. So, basically Lauren B. Prediction: She goes all the way (not a sex joke).

 Heather: Never been kissed but ready to get married? Next.

 Kirpa: Dental hygienist with too many accessories. Seems sweet in a quirky Kendall way, but Colton’s not a Joe kinda guy, so I’m not hopeful.