News

University Reports Strange Increase in Cowboy Hats

Dylan Robertson (2L)

Halloween might be over, but the University of Alberta has been dealing with a strange phenomenon of students continuing to dress up as cowboys. Since October 26th, Campus Security has received several reports from concerned students of the strange, Calgarian-like people on campus.

The sight of just one student wearing a cowboy hat is strange enough, and indeed the first reported sighting was just that. On October 26th, several students reported seeing a young man in HUB sporting a brown cowboy hat purchasing snacks before retreating up to the dorm rooms. “I thought there was something really suspicious about it,” said one of the concerned students that filed a report. “I had to ask myself ‘is it currently July and am I in Calgary?’ and when I was sure that I wasn’t, I knew I had to do something about it.”

While Campus Security was unable to find the young man, they were initially convinced that the student was simply confused about when Halloween was. They stated their belief that the student would ultimately be ridiculed into taking the hat off by his peers. However, since that initial sighting, the amount of reports of cowboy hats on campus has only continued to increase, leaving many perplexed as to the actual cause.

“We want to assure the student body that we take these complaints seriously, however our ability to investigate is limited at this moment,” said a University official. “We are also investigating why there has also been a major increase of dorm residents using UWS to download over 100 GBs of data onto their Xboxes, as well as the occasional outburst of people arguing whether ‘the first one was better’”.

Whatever the cause, it has become increasingly clear that the University needs to solve this issue now, as the condition seems to be getting worse. While most afflicted students have only been seen wearing cowboy hats, others have developed more serious symptoms, such as changes to their speech patterns. Since the 26th, there has been a 1500% increase of poorly-done Southern accents on campus, as well as a correlating increase of the usage of the phrases “giddyup” and “goshdarnit”. The presence of these terms on campus is a difficult one for many students, who express their concern that hearing them will remind them of that night at the Stampede that they’d rather forget; a relatable issue to many.

Still, others believe that the presence of these students on campus is no reason for alarm, and that the symptoms will soon disappear on their own. “I’ve seen this plenty of times,” said a sixth-year student. “It always dies off on its own. Remember a few years ago when everyone thought they were a 10-year old Japanese kid catching mutant rats? That didn’t last very long.”

Canons sought an official statement from the President on this issue but were told we’d “best get to steppin’” and escorted from his office at popgunpoint.