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THE BEST BUSINESS LUNCH IN EDMONTON IS: UNIVERSITY HOSPITAL CAFETERIA

Every month, Dane Patton and Dylan Morrison embark on a culinary journey to unearth the finest venue in Edmonton to host a business lunch with a potential client.

THE LOWDOWN:

Price Range: Free (if done correctly)

Venue Rating: ★☆

Cuisine Rating: ☆☆★★★

It is Tuesday. You are lounging on your suede La-Z-BoyⓇ that your grandmother gave you as a housewarming gift when you moved into your studio walk-up. Midway through your 7 hour “Border Security” marathon on Discovery Channel, you receive a notification (the only phone notification you have received for 6 days) of an unexpected email. Putting down your Hawaiian Xplosion Pizza Pop, you read that it is an autoreply to your risky sales email to a potential client. He is in the hospital after being viciously mauled by an adolescent moose, as well as getting hair plugs. Seeing as your client is confined to the hospital for at least 5 days where he can no longer avoid you, this would be a great opportunity to build rapport and finally close with your client. You arrive at your client’s hospital bed with a Monster Energy gift basket and several Linkin Park CDs. Despite your client hollering at the nurses that you are “definitely not welcome”, you wheel him and his IV bag down to the cafeteria for the sales pitch of his life.

THE VENUE:

The University Hospital Cafeteria combines old-school stale hospital ambiance with bleeding edge decor. The oversized ventilation pipes add a neo-industrial vibe, combined with the 80’s-vintage fake plants is something out of a Hitman level. While hospitals are notorious for bed shortage crises, the cafeteria has a surprising abundance of premium seating. Plus, there’s something about dining in such precarious vicinity to highly contagious diseases that gives your client a heightened awareness of his precarious mortality. This will totally give you that extra edge closing your deal.

THE CUISINE:

A wise man once told us that hospital dining is all about perspective. With your client having eaten nothing but crackers and applesauce out of a styrofoam tray during his stay, literally anything the cafeteria offers will be a marked upgrade.

Dylan set out to demonstrate his virility in order to establish dominance over a potential client in a crude attempt at a business power-move. After a losing weekend of VLT’s at River Cree Casino, Dylan found himself in a financial pickle. That said, he went ‘off the menu’ and dined ‘off the cart’ (sans cost) – he ‘acquired’ several trays of patient food off the carts destined for the gastroenterology ward. Dylan was pleasantly surprised, as he had never had a meal that could be best described as ‘aqueous’. Dining on essentially astronaut food made Dylan’s childhood dreams come true!

Dane had already known the in’s and outs of hospital dining from watching reruns of “My 600-lb Life” on TLC. That said, he knew the best option was sneaking into the Doctor’s Lounge to score the catered Quizno’s sandwiches. Representing himself as a “Doctor of Ornithology” and wearing his lab coat from Biology 107, he executed the sandwich heist while lamenting to the other (actual) doctors about how complex the cases on the Ornithology Ward were that day. The sandwiches were delectable, and only bettered when coupled with the nods earned from desperate pre-med students trying to earn his respect when sauntering out of the Doctor’s Lounge.

Needless to say, we were left satisfied, and your client will be as well! Get well soon!