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When Good Things Happen To Bad People: A Highly Biased Look at Super Bowl LI

Kyle Procee (2L)

A lot has been said about Super Bowl LI. It has been called the greatest comeback in sports history, proof that the Patriots’ quarterback and official BFF to the President of the United States Tom Brady is the Greatest of All Time (if you can conveniently ignore all of those pesky cheating rumours/facts), almost as depressing of an upset as the November election results (What? That can’t have been just me), unsurprising allegations against the ethically challenged Patriots organization that they somehow bought off the victory during halftime, but one thing that cannot be denied is that it was certainly more exciting than last years snoozefest between the Denver Broncos and the Carolina Panthers.

Sure, for most of the world outside of the Greater Boston area it was the same kind of exciting as a horror movie protagonist who believes she has finally outfoxed the magically evil movie monster only to turn the corner and be impaled upon his machete, but if M. Night Shyamalan’s latest turd can somehow be top of the box office in 2017, then as a society we must be masochistic enough to somehow find pleasure in yet another Patriots win. (Disclaimer: the author is in no way claiming that Bill Belichick is a demon hellbeast who haunts the nightmares of the innocent…implying it maybe, but certainly not making the outright claim).

But, in what is further proof that goodness has died sometime in 2015 and we failed to take proper notice, the New England Patriots have further solidified their dynasty with the 5th Super Bowl win for face of the franchise Tom “Do-These-Balls-Look-Deflated-To-You” Brady, after a truly impressive comeback of 31 straight points after trailing 28-3 at half against the Atlanta Falcons. It is unclear if this is what Brady was referring to when he so proudly displayed his “Make America Great Again” hat in his locker last year, but I think we can all agree that it is high time that something good happened for this 22-year-old looking 40-year-old, having the best professional year of his already record breaking career, who is married to one of the world’s most beautiful people. Life is rough, guys.

I’m going to reveal my bias here folks, I cannot stand the New England Patriots. Do I think this makes me a better person? Maybe. Is it because of the infamous Super Bowl XLIX victory over my Seattle Seahawks? Honestly, it didn’t help, but I’m an OG hater here. Is there more than a little jealousy? I mean, yeah probably. But still, for me cheering for the Patriots would be like cheering for Darth Vader and the Death Star—they’re already so powerful and so evil, and backed by that creepy-faced old guy in the hoodie who never smiles—it’s simply not for me.

But, this isn’t a movie; the bad guys won and the good(?) guys lost (Honestly, I can’t pretend to have ever given much thought to the Atlanta Falcons before, but the way I was cheering for them during the game you’d have thought that I was auditioning for a role on Donald Glover’s TV show). David took his shot at Goliath and Goliath responded by beating the ever-loving crap out of that poor little metaphor for an underdog. The game was not an epic underdog story, but perhaps it was more an allusion to recent history. That’s right, as seemingly every single other experience in our lives, I’m going to make this political!

Think about it, an already privileged, successful team decides to continue their never ending quest for more recognition, while listening to every word of a bloated, angry faced old man while being financially backed by a shady empire who have been accused of influencing games, goes up against a hard-working, if a little too offensively in your face team hoping to become the very first fema—I mean Falcons—to have ever won the Super Bowl—I mean presidency—I mean Super Bowl… analogies are hard. Anyways, up until right before the end of game it seems that the Falcons have the win in the bag; their numbers are way higher than the Patriots, and sure, there have been so many rich, white Patriots jerseys that have won before, but this is a chance for the very first Falcon win—a win that will count for all the bird teams that tried and failed before them. Until, against all Vegas odds makers at halftime, the Patriots find a way to pull off the upset that no one saw coming, except if we had listened to the loyal Bostonians who would’ve told us that Trump—I mean the Patriots—would find a way. Certainly, this isn’t a perfect analogy—I mean, Brady did win the game by relying on a black man (his name was James WHITE though…) but it does seem that America’s unofficial holiday did follow its official Elect-A-Dictator day (as it will eventually be known) to a tee; fittingly, Brady did not get even close to winning my popular vote.

(Further Disclaimer: the author is also in no way claiming that Bill Belichick is in any way as terrible, bloated, or evil as Steve Bannon… I mean, a hellbeast is one thing, but Bannon… that just crosses the line).