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Miss Chiff

Dear Miss Chiff,

I hate everyone. Christmas break was too short. I got below average on all my 1st semester courses and I think I’m getting sick. Why did people say 2L was so much easier than 1L?!

– Feral Upper Year

Dear Feral Upper Year,

First of all, shame on you for your failure to use inclusive language. I think what you meant to say is that the “Winter” break was too short, and with that I agree. Here’s the truth about 2L: it sucks. 1L is a time where you still feel special about being a law student, and 3L is basically just non-stop cruise control as most students already have their articles lined-up. 2L is that awkward limbo stage, where you’ve either secured a job, but have yet to work a day in the office, or you had a ton of interviews but struck out and as a result, hate everyone that managed to get a job. Oh, that or you did so poorly in 1L that you had no interviews and are working your ass off to boost your GPA. All 3 options suck. 2L is the puberty stage of law school. So to answer your question, why did people say 2L was much easier than 1L? Either to give you hope, or to try to sound smart. Upper years advice sucks almost as much as being in 2L.



Dear Miss Chiff,

Last semester, I gained 15 pounds when Ben & Jerry’s and Lindt became my best friends. I’m trying to be healthier, but how can I when every meeting and presentation is catered by Dominos?

– Not a Freshman


Oh, Wide-eyed, naïve, and hefty Not a Freshman,

The root of your problems has nothing to do with food. The real question is why do you keep attending the meetings and presentations at our school? The tell-tale sign of a useless meeting is when the most valuable thing to be gained by attending is the pizza that actually tastes like the cardboard that its provided in. Here is the Battle CAN version of presentations and their ratios:

Facts: Presentation from the Dean’s Office

Ratio: Job numbers are fine, I’m hiring a lot of people, alcohol is bad.

Facts: Presentation from the Career Service Office

Ratio: Working in Red Deer is fun, we promise.

Facts: LSA Presentation

Ratio: We conducted a shitty survey that none of you responded to.

Anyway, stop making excuses about eating dominoes when you can just stop going to these presentations. You’re doing this to yourself.



Dear Miss Chiff,

I’m 80% sure I want to do criminal law. Or corporate. Although I met a medical malpractice lawyer and that seems interesting. Definitely 60% sure I’ll do criminal law though, even though my highest midterm was constitution. Maybe 40%? How do I go from 40% sure to 100% sure?

– Probably Prosecutor


Dear Probably Prosecutor,

I’ll make you a short checklist. The first step is listening to the song What the Altitude? by Cut Chemist. Does this song get you going, or at the very least motivate you to make 20-minute video blogs? If so, then you’re halfway to that 60% that you were looking for. If not, go corporate. As for that last 30%, it really depends on your circumstances. Do you have a mountain of student debt that you’d like to clear ASAP? If so, go corporate. Do you want to work in a decent office that isn’t in the middle of a strip mall? If so, go corporate. Do you want more out of the first decade of your career than working to help people who have been accused of drunk driving, and being in possession of banned substances? If so, go corporate. On second thought, I’m probably being too harsh. I hear criminal law is a good way to go. And hey, if it doesn’t work out, you can become a part-time professor, marry someone named after junk food, and eventually use funds being held in trust to achieve the holy grail status of disbarred. #Yolo



Dear Miss Chiff,

I want to go to Carbolic, but I’m female, single and my best friend can’t go. How do I not spend the evening awkwardly looking at my phone?

– Anti-social


Dear Anti-social,

The way you can avoid the aforementioned scenario is by playing around with the timelines. Instead of spending the evening awkwardly looking at your phone at Carbolic, download Tinder and get yourself a date. I’ve never used the App before, but my heathen acquaintances tell me that its as simple as swiping right if you find the person attractive, and left if you don’t. Download the app, swipe, swipe, swipe, and find yourself a partner. Trust me: I’d rather take my chances trying to find a presentable date using an app that might as well be called “sex-seeker” than risk being forced to deal with all of the desperate, single, 3Ls looking for a memorable night.