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REPORT: Flagrant Cheating at Aiding and A-Batting

Nick (Totally Not Bitter) Todd (2L)

My fellow students, we have been cheated, bamboozled and hoodwinked by our so-called “champions” the nefarious crew of swindlers known as Show Us Your Bunt. While some have attributed their victory to the fact that they are superior athletes, the wool is not so easily pulled over my eyes. A simple witch hunt shows the depth of the fraud that they have committed on us all.

First and foremost, I would like to bring to light the clear P.E.D. use by the team’s big hitters: Cowan, Dharam and Robin. With their leg-sized arms, there can be no question that these boys were juiced up to the gills. We law students are meant to be a doughy bunch, made soft by countless hours in the library, yet no one questions why we have these “Body by Zeus” marble gods wandering our halls? Despicable.

Second, I question the eligibility of certain members of their roster in our students only tournament. While they designated him as a 4L, inviting ringers like Nick Williams to play on your already stacked team makes a mockery of entire institution of beer league baseball. Who pulls this kind of Mickey Mouse tactic? Rostering graduated students for the baseball tournament would be like drafting a professor onto your LSA Jeopardy team, a ploy utilized by only the lowest rung of desperate loser. Disgraceful.

Last but not least are the ladies of Show us Your Bunt: Alex, Alli, Nadia and Taylor. Openly mocking the baseball gods, these crass women eschewed all norms and refused to “play like girls”: redefining the term with transcendent play. The way they mashed at the plate, raked the infield like Jeter, and robbed me of my home run, probably wasn’t illegal, but it really hurt my feelings and damaged my ego. So I’m gonna go ahead and categorize them with the other cheaters. Emasculating.

My fellow students this injustice cannot stand! The Aiding and A-Batting trophy is the crown jewel of the gavel’s trophy case and we should all be ashamed and embarrassed to have “Show Us Your Bunt” engraved on such a noble and honourable trophy. At the very least let’s hit them with an asterix.