A Review of the New PAW Centre
Thomas Walker (2L)
The Muscle Lab, The Church of Iron, The Castle of Quads, The Muscle Mansion, The Squat Shack, or the gym. Whatever you may refer to it as, U of A has built a brand new one. The PAW (Pretty awesome workouts, or something) Centre was finished in December 2014. It replaces the old fitness centre, which, for those of you who never got the opportunity to visit, shared many similarities to an abandoned high school gym from the 80s. Concrete pillars and bay windows have replaced the worn-down wooden floors. The new facility is complete with a state-of-the-art climbing wall (or so I’ve heard) and two stories of brand new equipment. There are now 13 squat racks to replace the previous two.
It seems the planners finally capitulated to the powerful demands of the #shesquats_bro lobby. No one has at this date properly squatted in the new racks, but they promise a bright future. They have already seen extensive use by Rod the Bod Perkins for his grueling leg routine of standing bicep curls, followed with split-stance hammer curls. It is rumored that this is the same routine that Marko used to build his stunning tree-trunk thighs.
To satisfy the cardio bunnies there are dozens of brand new treadmills, ellipticals, and confusing elliptical/stairclimber mixes. These are perfect for the slightly unfit, those lacking fine motor skills, or people truly terrified of getting “bulky.” The university also purchased its own branded dumbbells and plates. This move aims to help those confused after a hard set of bench-press to remember where they are working out. The new facility adds lots of extra floor space for you to paint a fitness masterpiece. Unfortunately the extra space has rapidly been filled by disorderly first years, trying to burn off their late night McDonald’s and early morning mistakes. Sorry guys; you can’t sweat out regret.
Right now might not be the best time to enjoy the space. With a new gym and a new year, there is the inevitable influx of new-year’s-resolutioners. These folks are easy to spot, watch for the following behaviours:
Someone carefully reading the instructions on any machine;
Anyone constantly consulting a folded printout from www.bodybuilding.ca; or
Groups of nervous girls wearing Asics with a 4-inch heel.
These resolutioners should be approached carefully, as they are apt to drop a weight on your toe.
The best time of day to enjoy the PAW Centre is early in the morning or late at night. But if you can brave the crowds, a noon workout may yield a rare and sought-after sighting of Professor Jefferies. The new PAW Centre is shiny, sleek, and spacious. Best of luck in your fitness pursuits.