Why He Runs
Jim Jeffrey (2L)
Editors’ Note: This article has been published with Tim Young’s permission.
He never was much for running…or really, any, physical activity for that matter. In fact, back in his early days, he would spend countless hours fixing computers, taking breaks only to play online chess with his fellow ITers. But ever since that fateful December day back in 2010, Tim Young, our now-remarkably-fit IT guy, has never been the same.
When Timmy started working as the University of Alberta Law Faculty’s IT guy in September of 2010, he didn’t know what he was getting himself into. The constant computer troubles, the hectic midterm marathons, the faulty exam software—anyone would’ve been overwhelmed, let alone a chubby recluse one year out of IT school. But then, Sergei Diablo was a rather unempathetic first year and any external mistakes jeopardizing his chances of landing that Big Law 2L summer gig were unacceptable. And so it came to be on December 12, 2010, the date of the 1Ls’ property midterms, that Timmy would make his first major mistake—one that still haunts him to this day.
“I’ll never forget that day,” Timmy told me in his office as he violently thumped his leg up and down like a rabbit, digging into his carb-heavy nutrition bars.
According to Timmy, the UWS and Guest networks had been down all morning. Professors and students alike could be seen pacing anxiously throughout the Law Centre. Thankfully, Timmy was finally able to get the students connected to a secondary network minutes before the exam was to begin. However, Sergei’s Eastern European laptop wouldn’t connect, and when he attempted to submit his exam, his laptop started acting up and all of his hard work was erased. All his hopes then depended on his final exam, which caused him so much stress that he consequently failed Property. Professor Ziff could not be bothered.
When he received an F in the summer, Sergei was enraged. He called upon his Eastern European connections who were more than willing to help out. Enlisting the goons, Sergei was able to track Timmy down. Sergei’s henchmen injected Timmy with a Chinese synthetic drug called “The Beijing Cocktail,” which inhibits the flow of adrenaline, slows the heart and eventually kills the victim. Timmy’s physician later informed him that in order to survive, he had to keep his adrenaline pumping through constant excitement and danger. Ever since, Timmy can be seen running through the Law Centre’s halls in his prominent spandex suits and Vibram Five Fingers shoes, swiftly ascending and descending the business building’s steps, and sprinting through HUB’s corridors.
“It’s both a curse and a blessing,” Timmy told me with a mouth full of Luna nutrition bar. Timmy’s ability to run from room to room during exam time is now second to none. Next time you see him running down the halls, don’t be alarmed or perturbed—just remember that fateful December day and know with confidence that Timmy won’t let you down on exam day. His life depends on it.