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Miss Chiff: Halloween Candy and Costumes

Dear Miss Chiff,

Since I’ll be without my parents for Halloween this year, I thought I would hand out candy. At what point is it acceptable to give up on kids showing up and eat the candy myself?

– Count Chocula


Dear Greedy Gabby,

Ah, yes! An age-old question. It is critical in this day and age to optimize your chocolate consumption and original costume viewing, and to minimize yolk on your windows and toilet paper on your 30-year-old spruce tree. A reasonable cut-off is 9:30 pm. By that time, you should have had the opportunity to hand out plenty of Smarties and Mars bars (saving most of the good ones for yourself). Once 9:30 hits, make sure nobody is around, then proceed to shut off the porch lights. And, then, it’s time to gorge like you did on Thanksgiving, but this time on Twix bars and Reese Peanut Butter Cups rather than pumpkin pie. And remember: if you hear the doorbell ring once you’ve turned out the porch lights, quickly drop to a prone position in your candy wrappers and breathe quietly, lest the trick-or-treaters know you’re at home.


Dear Miss Chiff,

It’s been said, “in Girl World, Halloween is the one day a year when a girl can dress up like a total s**t and no other girls can say anything else about it.” Is this true for HalLaween, or should I keep it covered?

– Looking for my future husband


Dear Regina George,

What do Mr. Potato Head, Big Bird, hamburgers, and lobsters all have in common? They’re not sexy, no matter how minimal the amount of clothing you wear. As Buzzfeed pointed out this month, some things are not meant to be sexy. Keeping this in mind, go as whatever you want, but just know that your reputation for your law career starts today. (Hopefully, you’ve had a certain someone ingrain this into your brain by now.) Know that girls will say something about it, and they will judge you, because law school is just too small not to gossip. My suggestions for your HalLaween 2014 costume are: Marge Simpson, Dr. Mindy Lahiri, Tinder, Tobias Funke, or a wrecking ball. But whatever you dress up as, HalLaween will be the best Halloween ever!


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One Trackback/Pingback

  1. max on Friday, November 14, 2014 at 3:39 am


    thanks for information.