How to Lose Friends and Influence Profs to Fail You
Teri Treiber (3L)
1Ls: Welcome to the wonderful world of law school, where the classes are hard and the drinks go down easy. As you may have learned already, upper year students are eager to impart wisdom upon you.
Some of this advice may be terrifying. Some may be exciting. Some may be helpful. And SOME of it may lead you to go flying down the highway to F-minuses and no friends – unless, of course, you read it on Opposite Day (which happens to be today!).
Speaking of spirit days, make sure you dress up for pyjama day on September 17! And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: some advice, solicited or otherwise, from an upper year student.
- Definitely don’t waste your time by doing the assigned readings. That’s what CANs are for, right?
- On the same note, going to class is useless as well. I mean, some upper year brainiac already went to all of them and took meticulous notes for you.
- Don’t bother making your own CANs. The person who made the one you have probably went to every class, diligently took notes, and combed through every case. They probably didn’t even have Facebook.
- Go ahead and kiss that cute boy or girl in your cohort. Even if things don’t work out, everyone is an adult here, right? Sitting in every class for the next eight months with them won’t be awkward at all.
- If someone asks you for notes, make sure you change the ratio on a few cases. You’re being marked on a curve, so every advantage you have over your fellow classmates is one you need to capitalize on. This will never come back to bite you.
- While you’re at it, go and tear a few key cases out of some library books you think other people might use.
- Similarly, don’t bother being nice to anyone. You’ll probably never see these people again once you graduate.
- If you are invited to a dinner or reception with a law firm during interviews, try to impress them by showing them how much you can drink. You should try to shoot for 10-15 shots, minimum. What’s the worst that could happen?
- Don’t attend any events that are planned by the LSA or other groups. They totally suck.
- Nobody cares about your grades – Cs get degrees, baby!
- If you’re REALLY struggling on an exam, take a quick peek at the laptop of the person next to you. It will totally help you, and there’s no way you’ll get caught!
- Don’t do any extra-curricular activities. Law Show, SLS, LSA, other clubs, and sports are just a big waste of time! Completely useless and firms don’t care about your participation whatsoever.
- If you ignore my advice and decide to partake in the above organizations, you might as well become a member of all of them. Decent grades, sleep, friends – who needs ‘em?
- If you don’t get a job at a big law firm for the summer after 1L, you might as well drop out. Your life is over.
- Wear a suit to class every day.
- If you’re not happy with your midterm grades, you should probably drop out. If you decide to stay, absolutely do not go and speak to your profs about them. You’re probably the only one who’s ever done that badly, and it’s too late to rectify the situation.
- Every time you can think of a marginally relevant hypothetical situation, raise your hand and ask the professor about it. However, you should only try to do this when there are fewer than three minutes of class left.
- Make sure you post a lot of compromising photos, defamatory statements, and off-colour jokes on Facebook. People on the hiring committees of firms probably don’t even know what Facebook is.
- Be sure you tell everyone how well you did on your Property midterm. It’s a great way to boost the morale of your classmates and show them that if you can do it, they might be able to as well.
- You should try to spend some of your free time giving legal advice to your friends, family, and random people on the Internet. You are totally qualified to help people with their legal problems after having attended a couple of weeks of classes, and it’s not like the Law Society would care or anything. Maybe stay away from giving advice to murderers but, otherwise, you’re good.
- Make sure to tell everyone your awesome LSAT score. It’s a great way to earn the respect of your peers. While you’re at it, you should probably put it in your resume.
- Make a cool, personal business card, and hand it out at Career Day. Make sure you put your LSAT score on it, too.
Well, that’s all of the advice I can think of for now. But don’t fret because I’m sure there are lots of other upper year students waiting to enlighten you with the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of law school. Make sure you do not take their advice with a grain of salt – since they’ve been here longer than you, they know exactly what you should do and how you should do it. Hey, maybe you should even give a couple of them your phone number so it’s easier for them to contact you! They’re probably not creepy at all, with totally professional intentions… right?