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The Guide to Law Love

 Lisa Wingenbach. 2L

Valentine’s Day. The day devoted to love….but does anyone actually care about it? No one seemed to care about Talk like a Pirate Day, and Pirates > Valentine’s. That just be simple math yarrr. Anyway, this article is for all ye love sick sea dogs. As your Juris Love Doctor, I have several tips to help improve your Valentine’s experience from sub-par to super!*

# 1: Avoid Cupid at all costs…

He will shoot you with an arrow aimed directly at your heart; he is crazy. The police have been after him for years but his fluttery little wings allow him to escape every time! At least once they got Santa on the ground it was easy to take him down. One time they almost had Cupid but he snagged two of the officers and now they’re super in love, always baby talking one another…it’s gross.

# 2: Be sweet!

Always keep a handful of candy in your pocket. That way you can offer it to your crush on-the-go! Nothing says “I kinda like you” like a lint covered gummy bear. If your crush declines said candy, then they’re probably weird and you have dodged a bullet. Or perhaps they’re diabetic…this is why you have to pay attention when they’re yammering away, I can’t do everything for you.

# 3: Take it slow

Remember that a relationship should be like a bill passing through Parliament. An introduction at the house (party), several readings (of one another), general disagreement, each side wanting to exercise its power until a decision has to be made and you’re all like, “I just don’t care anymore, one way or another.” Wait, that came out wrong. I meant it should be a slow, controlled process that gives both sides a chance to be heard….yeah.

# 4: Kick a non-laugher to the curb

Your crush simply must understand your sense of humor! If they’re not laughing now, then how will they be able to laugh when you crash their car into the side of their house? Or when you tell their boss they weren’t sick, they were in Vegas?

# 5: Show them you care

Nothing says “I want you to be the best version of you” like picking out someone’s flaws. After all, everybody loves recognizing their weaknesses. So every chance you get, tell them that you think they’re an utter fool.

# 6: Serenade

Don’t cave to the commercialistic pressures of Valentine’s Day. Love is free, so instead of buying junk that will be in the garbage within a fortnight, put on some romantic music and dim the lights. As luck would have it I’ve just released my Valentine’s Day album, with chart toppers such as:

“You can reasonably rely on me”

“I can be your fiduciary, baby”

“You can’t contract out of love”

“Shoulda signed the pre-nup”

“Income tax is better than the tax you’ve levied on my soul”

“My heart ain’t your fief no more”

Buy your copy today!

*Results may vary.