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Tortfeasors Update

Matt Riskin (3L)

After many unsuccessful attempts to have the publishers of Canons let me contribute a regular piece devoted to the intersection between Mines & Minerals Law and comedy (titled “It’s Gold Jerry!”), I am pleased that they have at least allowed this contribution. I write here in my capacity as a member of the Tortfeasors hockey team, and would like to pass on some information to you all.

First, I am pleased to announce that the much-anticipated “Hockey Night in Law” is scheduled for Thursday, November 14 at Clare Drake Arena. This annual event includes successive games featuring each of our faculty’s three hockey teams: Swift Justice (7:20 PM), the Litigators (8:35 PM), and the Tortfeasors (9:50 PM). This is a chance for you all to take in Canada’s favourite pastime, while participating in the social event of the season. We would all love to see as many of you as possible at this historic rink to support our teams, and perhaps for a social excursion afterwards. This event is not to be confused with “Hockey Night in Canada”, as it will not begin with a game featuring the Toronto Maple Leafs, and will not conclude with a game featuring two other teams while the announcers and studio panel continue to discuss the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Second, I would like to give you an update on how our season is going. So far, the three-headed monster we have in goal is working out just fine. First-time Tortfeasors Graeme Harrington (2L), Trevor Peeters (2L) and Paul Kolida (1L) all seem to be accepting this shared arrangement with class and dignity. Here’s hoping that President Lucas Huyser-Wierenga can continue to manage this with the same grace, foresight and discretion that Mike Gillis showed while handling the Luongo-Schneider disaster situation in Vancouver.

The arrangement seems to be working well, as the team is 3-0 with 20 goals-for and one goal-against. So far we have been successful against St. Joe’s (6-1), Mac Hall (8-0) and the Med ’16 team (6-0). As you can imagine, thegame against the Faculty of Medicine was very cordial and civilized – just what you would expect from two groups of future professionals who are going to be relying very heavily on one another. So while the NHL standings currently look like something out of Bizzaro World with the Leafs on top and the Oilers on the bottom (ok, maybe there is nothing surprising about the Oilers), all is right with the U of A Intramural standings.

Finally, I want to introduce this year’s new team members. I know that many of you are thinking “but I don’t know who the existing members of the Tortfeasors are”. That is why you should come out to Hockey Night in Law. Another reason is the rumour that Paul Grenon will be signing autographs afterwards, but I digress. In addition to the three goalies mentioned above (Thing 1, Thing 2 and Thing 3), we have six rookies this year.

Up front we have Matt “don’t call me Ben” Scrivens (1L), who has brought always-welcome offensive prowess to the team. Kane “I was told there would CANs” Gellert (1L) joins the team as a quintessential power forward. Devin “ting!” Crisanti (3L) is now one of our forwards after a stint in Hong Kong where he wore the Golden Helmet as leading scorer on his team during an exchange.

Back on D, Ian “Big Ben” Miller (1L) patrols the blue line and periodically dangles his way into the rush. Brett “you’re pronouncing my name wrong” Lojczyc (1L) joins the team after competing against us during his undergrad (who knew you could mispronounce “Brett”?). And to round out our introductions, we have Taylor “ready 40 minutes before game-time” Henschel (1L), who provides the team with both a steady defensive hand and an offensive threat.

We are very pleased to have all these rookies aboard. If you see any of them in the hallway, please say hello to make them feel welcome. If you don’t recognize any of them, just look for people walking with the swagger that you would expect from members of a 3-0 beer league hockey team.

We would be remiss if we did not take this opportunity to thank all of those who are participating in our Tortfeasors Hockey Pool fundraiser this year. Best of luck to you all, and we sincerely thank you for your support.

Stay tuned for information regarding our year-end party, and see you all on November 14th at the Drake!