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The Trial of Santa Claus

Lisa Wingenbach, 2L

As a child, many of us were told the tale of a jolly fellow named “Santa Claus” or “Santa” for short. As I do every year, I wrote a letter to him telling him my latest community contributions and how I have been such a good girl, in the hopes that he would bring me the kitten I requested. To my dismay, I woke up the 25th to no kitten, finding instead a note that said, “you’re too old to believe in Santa, you loser.” As I no longer care for Santa, I have decided to take legal action against him.

Now you might be thinking no one would ever believe that dear old Santa is guilty of a crime, or should I say crimes, based on his well-established good character. I beg to differ. Santa is about to feel the beat down of a system as cold as the North Pole. Pun intended.

I assert that Santa is guilty of the following:

1.Breaking & Entering as per s 348 of the Code:

He clearly broke into my place and wanted to do so in secret: otherwise he wouldn’t have come down the chimney like a weirdo. I assert that he had malicious intent to commit theft as he very obviously ate my milk and cookies. If I get the milk glass analyzed, I know it will come back with fingerprints in the shapes of snowflakes and minor traces of reindeer snot.

2. Theft as per s 322 of the Code:

He took my milk and cookies with the intent do deprive, knowing that I am a student and it is all I can afford. Furthermore, I suspect he knows my way to cope with post-exam trauma is eating cookies, and intended to deprive me of that.

3. Trespassing at Night as per s 177 of the Code:

Um, yeah he lands his sleigh on my roof and pokes around my house at night. Enough said.

4. Assault as per s 265 of the Code:

I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe at between the hours of 11PM and 2 AM on Dec 24th and Dec 25th, respectively. I heard a loud noise, or a “clatter”, so I grabbed my emergency nunchucks and went to investigate. And that’s when I saw her and Santa. She swears it was my dad: I don’t believe her. For whatever reason, mom and dad are totally fine with the incident….but I digress.

5. Numerous Provincial Traffic Infractions:

Who does Santa think he is? He travels around the world in one night! Seriously. I “googled” it. The man drives a sleigh of reindeer at exceedingly high speeds on icy roads with limited visibility. He is reckless at best.

I suggest Santa get himself a good lawyer. In the alternative, Santa could always present me with a kitten. Respectfully, these are my submissions.