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Dear Miss Chiff

Miss Chiff (0L)

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, except when it’s blatantly intentional.

 

Dear Miss Chiff:
Everyone at orientation day said that I would meet my best friends at law school but so far I haven’t found a group of people I really like to hang out with.
– Desperately Seeking Friendships

 

Dear Desperate,

You haven’t met anyone you like yet because in the first months of 1L no one is likeable. You’re all hopped up on adrenaline and praise and are therefore incapable of forming sincere friendships. Wait until midterms have knocked a few of you back to earth before attempting lifelong friendship status with anyone. If you can’t wait that long, make sure you get to know some upper years, they are much more relaxed, and also more willing to share CANs.
MC

 

Dear Miss Chiff,
I know it’s inappropriate to date your prof, but can you at least tell them how you feel? I’ve tried everything imaginable to get over them, but nothing works. I think I just need closure.
-Unrequited Lover

 

Dear Inappropriate Lover,
It is never, ever okay to let a prof know you have romantic feelings for them. In fact, you should do your best to make them believe you are an asexual being. If you really can’t let go of your feelings for them, then take as many classes with them as possible. Think this is bad advice? Think again. You will see them so often that you won’t grow fonder of them; you’ll get sick of them! However, you must take certain additional precautions in order to manage certain situations that may arise. If you must schedule a meeting with the professor regarding the course, schedule early morning meetings with them. Be absolutely inflexible about meeting at any other time to discuss the course; tell them you can only meet at 5 am on Monday mornings. Don’t drink any caffeinated beverage before the meeting. When the professor says something that you would normally think is hilarious, roll your eyes, sigh heavily, and cross your arms, keeping a stern look on your face. They will never even suspect that you love them, let alone that you even respect them! This is probably a foolproof plan to getting over your prof.
MC

 

Dear Miss Chiff,
Who makes the CANs for the LSA and why are they so crappy?
-I Can Do It Better

 

Dear You Can’t Do It Better,
A little ghoul in the library lurks beneath the tables and study carrels. They wait for a moment of weakness – the moment you wander to HUB in a study daze in search of something sugary and caffeinated, and they snatch a digital copy of all of the CANs on your computer, and then they dive back under the table and wait gleefully for some Cookies by George cookie crumbs to drop as you wolf down half a dozen. So the next time you call the CANs “crappy,” make sure you don’t recognize the writing. Watch yourself in the library.
MC