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How to Fight Stress During Law School Exams

Andrew Dixon M.D.*

Exam periods can be particularly tough times for law students. There’s a lot riding on exams: marks, career opportunities, personal fulfillment, marriage potential, and, ultimately, any chance you will ever have at happiness. Here is a list of methods that experts claim help fight stress. Let me say with out any exaggeration: these suggestions can do more damage than a swarm of communist zombie bumble bees in a room full of anaphylactic puppies. But don’t worry; I have some of my own suggestions:

What the so-called “experts “say

Get at least 8 hours of sleep: First off. I don’t sleep 8 hours a night during regular classes. You know why? Because 2:00am- 3:00am is prime n00b pwning time, that’s why! And second, WHO HAS TIME TO SLEEP 8 HOURS A NIGHT? I’m about to fail out of law school! Dear experts, why do you want me to fail? The only thing you’re an expert at is hurting other people’s feelings!

Stay Hydrated: Actually, this is good advice. Keep a mickey of Jim-othy Beam close and you’ll be able to ward off the creeping stress until at least the day of the exam. By that time you’ll be pretty hung over will most likely sleep through it. No problem, just apply to have it deferred. You’ve just given yourself a whole extra month to study. Thanks, hydration.

Exercise: Great idea, Jean Claude Van-Stupid. Obviously all I want is to go to the gym and listen to a bunch of nutrition majors complain about how they have two oral exams and the three colouring books to finish before Christmas. “But, Bro, is soy a vegetable or a meat alternative?”.

What Andrew Dixon, “Medicine Women” says:

Stock Car Racing: A little lowbrow? Maybe. But you get to crash into things. Crashing into things, as everyone knows, makes you feel good. It also makes others feel worse. This makes you feel even better. Provided your local stock car racing yard has closed for the winter season, feel free to crash into other motorists on local streets. It’s okay, the streets are ice, so there is plausible deniability. In fact, you could even argue that the City of Edmonton WANTS you to crash into people, because otherwise they would PLOW THE DAMN ROADS!

Self Tattooing: Ever wonder why some people have a tattoo that says WOW with a heart around it? Well, odds are they were probably trying to spell MOM. Welcome to the world of self-tattooing. Nothing eases the mind like some good old fashion bloodletting. So suck it up and get sterilizing.

Mortal Combat: Outcome 1: You win. You feel great. Your adrenaline is rushing. You pull 3 all-nighters and ace your exams. Outcome 2: You lose. Exams are no longer a concern.

As you can plainly see, I have debunked some of the common myths surrounding stress relief, and given you a few more practical suggestions. You’ll now be able to go into this exam season with your eyes opened, and your tattoos infected. Go get’ em, Tiger.

*Editor’s note: M.D. stands for “Macaroni and Dubonnet”