Calling all Kong Haters

Erntt Lafilden, 2L

On the way to class this morning, Kong clapped his hands twice and turned on the street lights. He next turned X Men to √ Men, and beat up the Incredible Hulk with a toothpick. Don’t bring your knife to Kong’s toothpick fight – you’ll lose. He knows Chai Tea, and he watches UFC. His wrist watch is a time machine that he got from Michael J. Fox ten years ago on June 24th, 2099. He makes his crew look big, and John Holmes look small. He made “Weidman” his “New Maid”, and Eminem would call him a Smarty. Kong cracks haters in half like they’re EGGS. If Kong was a utensil, he would be the sharpest knife in the drawer. Forget spooning, he forks like a champ.

When he sneezes, it’s thunder. He toots lightning and then catches it in a cup. One jar can replace all of Alberta’s energy reserves. If Kong asks “pull my finger?” DON’T! … unless your name is Fabian.
Once he got mad and made Fabian say: “I can’t believe it’s not butter”, and then made him drop the N from his name. “Fabio” now plans to grow his hair long and dye it blond to raise money for next year’s Cuts For A Cure. Love ya pal, but don’t grow your hair long even if Kong asks you. You’ve got a bit of a sci-fi Keanu Reaves thing going on right now. Proudman IS the Matrix!… and Proudman is a proud man! Do it, or he’ll have the number ones removed from your binary code, and make you sum up what’s left… Zero.

Kong missed his last chair meeting with EGGS because he was drinking Dos Equis with the most interesting man in the world. The guy was thirsty for knowledge, so Ken spoke through a straw. After Ken paid the bill, they both agreed that the most interesting guys in the world actually drink Grasshoppers at Avenue with their crew. Calling team Weidman, Woo!

And all you haters, leave Cinderella Kong alone. So what if he lost his slipper at the Carbolic Ball, it’s in your keester, give it back! He needs it so he can click his heels twice and teleport. I have a feeling he’s not in classes anymore; he’s in Kansas, as the new Chief… of police, protecting the QB (Queen’s Bench) from getting sacked by budget cuts. At this year’s half-time show Kong whispered something to Fergie. She asked “where is the love”? Kong had it in his pocket, and decided to share. Welcome to the new Renaissance. I think Kong has started a Golden Age. He gives you wings, so you can fly. Ask him nicely, and he’ll give you a Red Bull too.

Addendum: Kong, pls take me off the EGGS mailing list. You send me more SPAM than those awful websites where you’re not supposed to type in your email, but you do anyways. Fabian, you’re a one of a kind buddy. Cheers!

What Grinds My Gears: New Year’s Resolutions

Romulus Tiberius, 3L

January means resolutions. Most people’s resolutions involve getting (back) in shape. Maybe putting on a few pounds, taking some off, or just spending more time in the gym to improve one’s health. Golly good job. Right-e-o then. What a wonderful and novel idea. Chances are you have made this same resolution before and stopped. In fact, I bet if you made such a resolution, you stopped going to the gym on a regular basis this month.

Over 40,000 students bless this illustrious institution with their hard earned bank loans. There are, I think, five ‘gyms’ on campus. Most are located in the Van Villet Centre, which totals 850m2. There is simply not enough room for students to access gym space on campus during peak times.

If more people went to the gym on a regular basis, instead of just January and September, then perhaps the PAC, which was proposed by the Faculty of Phys-Ed several years ago, would have been built for us to enjoy. If not the PAC, then a similar project would have been developed. Instead, sharp and ridiculous spikes of gym attendance in September and January occur. This is due to ‘Rezies’, as many call them. The first 2 weeks in September are busy because people are, in my opinion, are trying to fight the proverbial ‘freshman 15’. Then in January, students realize that it takes more than 2 weeks of intense activity in September to stay ‘in shape’, and so put in another month of exercise in January. The rest of the 52 weeks of the year are spent making the most ridiculous excuses for not going to the gym, and swearing that next year will be different.

To be clear, it is not the fact that people are in the gym that is the problem. It is because of the massive influx of people during September, and especially January. If more people consistently and constantly went to the gym, there would not be a large number of people scratching and clawing at each other for equipment. Ultimately, students would have rallied to have a new complex built a long time ago.

There is currently a new facility being developed, the PAW Centre, but it took the earning of a lottery grant to get this project underway. This new centre will be a looming 2000m2, over twice the size of the current centre. The cost to students will be (at the most) a whopping $29/semester, or $232 for 4 years of school. This is less than the interest you would have to pay on the loan you would need for what most gym memberships cost.

You can either take the time out of your day to improve your health on a regular basis, or not and live a shorter life (statistically speaking). Your choice. Just don’t waste your time and everyone else’s by coming to the gym for a couple of weeks in January and September. It really grinds my gears.

NHL All-Star Recap

Ian Weiss, 3L

So, did you watch the recent NHL All-Star festivities? I did, sort of. Based largely on the fact that a) I was sick as a dog; and b) there was no real hockey on, I ended up watching pieces of the All-Star weekend while lying on the couch trying to read a gloriously dense and convoluted 600-page book on war and religion for Professor DeCoste’s Jurisprudence class. The gist of the book is that the relationship is complicated.

Anyway, the All-Star weekend started out with Friday night’s first ever (and hopefully only) All-Star fantasy draft, where the two captains, Nick Lidstrom of Detroit and Eric Staal of host Carolina, alternated selections of their All-Star peers to fill out the competing rosters. I tuned in to see how exactly this process would play out, but lasted only about 7 selections once I realized that each captain and his two alternatives were just taking turns choosing “their boys”, otherwise known as their real world teammates, just like elementary school. Of course, TSN covered this event ad infinitum.

Saturday night brought the wildly unwatchable Skills competition, where the newly selected teams compete; along with some previously split rookies, in various competitions of individual skill. These included: Fastest Skater, Shooting Accuracy, Hardest Shot, Breakaway Challenge, Challenge Relay, and Elimination Shootout. Of these, only the Relay was mildly entertaining, as it involved multiple players per team and skills more representative of a hockey game. The Breakaway Challenge was especially painful to watch, as players were rewarded not for scoring goals, but for their creative moves in an attempt to score. It turns out there isn’t that many different ways to get a puck to the net and past the goalie. The Elimination Shootout was also quite unfulfilling, as only 6 of the 24 players scored on their first attempt, the rest being eliminated. Perhaps a harbinger that the Shootout will soon be eliminated from NHL games, as the goalies clearly have the advantage and there are few new moves left available to the shooters.

All this led up to Sunday afternoon’s game, which resembled a hockey game only in that the players wore skates and jerseys and there was a puck involved, there being zero contact, limited defence, and over-passing to the extreme. Not a single penalty was called, and the 6 goalies combined faced 91 shots, allowing 21 goals. (FYI, a .769 Saves % is not considered good). Team Lidstrom overcame an early 4-0 deficit to prevail 11-10, disappointing the biased home crowd of Team Staal.

The highlight for me was 22-year-old Colorado defenceman Kevin Shattenkirk’s glorious friar-like look of moppy hair with an unfortunate bald spot. And since the game did bring in strong ratings numbers for Versus in the US it may help the league grow its audience in the US. But for me as a hockey fan, the All-Star game offered little in the way of value.

Two possible tweaks for next year? Use this year’s format but run a contest where two fans get to select the teams with the winner getting a substantial cash prize or move the game outdoors and choose teams shinny-style, sticks in the middle. Anything to make the game more competitive would be better than the current format.

Mental Health

Greg Wool, 3L

Mental Health. We all know what that really means: Crazy. Nuts. Coo-coo like Co-co-Puffs. The typical stereotype of the lunatic, comfortable within their straight-jacket and drooling in the corner. Often there is smugness in the perception that such things cannot happen to us or those around us. After all, we are the self-professed intellectual elite, clutching our newly minted Juris Doctoris, not merely a LL.B. like some lowly law students of yore. How could we possibly be so…flawed? Our minds are educated and perfect, at least, they must be? Right? This perception could best be summed up as being the belief that our clients might be crazy, but as soon to be lawyers, how could we also count people with mental illness among our ranks?

The problem is that perceptions like that are, simply put, rarely accurate. Here is the reality: 1 in 5 people will experience mental health issues in their life time. Of those, 2 out of 3 will suffer in silence, often afraid to seek help because of the social stigma associated with mental health. Despite the common nature of this medical issue, only 5.5% of healthcare dollars spent in Canada are directed to mental health. The recent initiative by Bell Canada to raise awareness and start dialogue on mental health issues is long overdue and a credit to their sense of corporate responsibility. They also provided the above statistics.

Perhaps the most commonly held myths about mental illness are the most damaging. The myth that good, clean people like us can’t suffer from mental illness? Bollocks. Being smart, talented or whatever is no defence against mental illness. The myth that “It can’t happen to me”? Nonsense. Much smarter, stronger, wiser, prettier, talented and otherwise better people than you have suffered from mental illness. This myth cuts two ways: first, it provides a sense of condescension from one to the other. Then, second, it creates a real barrier to those who begin to suffer from mental illness, making them reluctant to seek help and treatment, no matter how overwhelming the signs are. The myth that people with mental illness are “dangerous”? Rarely. The overwhelming majority are not violent, aggressive or otherwise dangerous. While certainly not expressed overtly, the myth that mental illness is somehow catching or contagious is barely worth rebutting. You cannot catch mental illness from a dirty soup spoon or sharing a box of Cracker Jacks (NB: To be on the safe side, only eat food prepared by Steve, which is certain to be totally free of all contaminants).

In summary, the efforts of Bell Canada regarding raising awareness of mental health issues is to be lauded and celebrated. In an era where the big corporation is often made out to be a terrible vehicle of evil and ill-intent, it is worth noting that they can do great acts of public service.

Finally, if you think that mental health issues don’t affect you, you either have less than 4 friends or…you’re nuts.

The Marc – 9940 106 St

Elyse Jacobson & Chantel Cabaj, 2Ls

The Marc – 9940 106 St
Elyse Jacobson & Chantel Cabaj, 2Ls

Editor’s Note: Chantel and Elyse …. Law students by day, wino’s by night. They’re committed to balancing the delights of HUB with more refined culinary selections. Most importantly, they’re willing to share their finds with you!

The Marc provides a welcome new addition to the Edmonton restaurant scene. It’s one of those rare gems where the food is habitually tasty, the bill won’t empty your wallet, and you feel like you’d love to become a regular if you could. Just a block off Jasper – it keeps a chic downtown vibe. The food is a no-frills take on a French Bistro ranging from a more adventurous Cassoulet (pork belly) to a traditional French Duck Confit. The mains are paired simply, but are perfectly seasoned. For those who share our love of those fermented grapes – The Marc presents a surprisingly approachable wine list and cocktails which boast service in a ‘shockingly handsome glass’. While our law school incomes prevent us from joining their esteemed ranks – take our word for it and head down to The Marc for a fantastic French Bistro experience.

Law Guy: Andrew Dixon

Name: Andrew Dixon

Year: 1L

Hometown/Undergrad: Oshawa, Ontario/Political Science and Drama

How do you feel about being singled out for Canons? Are you ready for your newfound fame? No one can ever truly be prepared for the newfound fame that Canons bestows on its interviewees. But I am expecting big things. I just hope people don’t look at me differently, or are intimidated by my new status. I’m still going to be the same guy, with the same great beard…just wealthier, and way more attractive to women.

What is your favourite thing about law school, now that you’re a seasoned pro? The Library. It’s perfect for people watching. Last week I saw people making out in a study room. At first I thought, “that’s whack!” But then I thought “that’s smart!” Shows commitment. I’ve been told that the key to a good relationship is balancing work and personal life. I can’t fault a guy for wanting some love in between reading cases on Division of Powers, and Promissory Estoppel. And if you’re into blinding fluorescent lights and the smell of bleach, then who am I to judge? (Ed.’s note: who are these people? They’re becoming pretty legendary…)

Least favourite thing? The Library. That place is the worst.

What are you doing for Reading Week? Heading off to Squamish BC, my adoptive hometown, to do some skiing and throw milkshakes at hipsters.

Who would play you in the movie version of your life, and why? A young Rory Calhoun…or an old Lindsay Lohan.

Would you rather be trapped in a room full of bees or in one full of spiders? Bees. Bees give you honey. What do spiders give you? Nothing. They’re stupid.

When you’re not reading case law, what ARE you reading? I’m generally reading something sports related. But I’m making a conscious effort to read more fiction. I just finished reading one of my favourite books, Haroun and the Sea of Stories, by Salman Rushie. It always reminds me of the value of imagination and creativity in ones life, even if you’re not in an environment where it’s actively encouraged.

Ten years ago: where were you and what were you doing? I was in grade 10. In Barrie, Ontario. Wishing and hoping that one day I would get the chance to live somewhere colder and flatter…and I was probably listening to Euro Trance…and I may have had an ear pierced…and I might have thought guys who drove souped-up Civics were cool…..ugh, why would you ask me to remember this?

What’s on your PVR/are you watching for free on the internet? I’ve become fascinated by this new wave of TV shows about “junk”…Pawn Stars, Auction Kings, American Pickers. I love it. And they come without the stigma of having to admit I watch Antiques Roadshow

2012. Thoughts? It’ll be like Jurassic Park…but different

It’s February: what’s love got to do with it? Everything. Especially when you’re making out in a study room.

Law Girl: Emily Keene

Name: Emily Keene

Year: 1L

Hometown/Undergrad: Queenston, Ontario/History and English Literature

How do you feel about being singled out for Canons? Are you ready for your newfound fame? Like all U of A law students, I have been hoping for this moment of small-time fame since childhood. Kidding – but I really am excited!

What’s your favourite thing about law school, now that you’re a seasoned pro?
I’m far from pro yet, but I love that I’m meeting great people every day! Also, law show was a riot and I was proud to be a part of it.

Least favourite thing? It boosts my confidence to have those ‘aha!’ moments where everything I’m learning comes together in my head, but those other moments of feeling totally inadequate in class are awful. And, while I’m a fan of winter, -33 with the wind chill is a bit much.

What are you doing for Reading Week? Spending time back home in Niagara. Don’t worry, Edmonton. I won’t forget you.

Who would play you in the movie version of your life, and why? Sure, I’d love one of my favourite Oscar winning actresses to portray me, but ultimately, the director would probably cast someone with big hair, since I have enough on my head for at least 3 to 4 people. Someone who comes to mind is that girl who played Topanga on ‘Boy Meets World’? She had thick hair. She’s not exactly famous anymore, so I guess it would be a made for TV movie.

Would you rather be trapped in a room full of bees or in one full of spiders? Spiders. The bees could offer me honey, but the spiders could build me a giant web so I could reach the nearest window and escape.

When you’re not reading case law, what ARE you reading? I love fiction, but now that I’m reading so much law, I usually don’t want to even see another book when I’m finished studying for the day.

Ten years ago: where were you and what were you doing? In February 2001, I was living in the donut shop capital of Canada: St. Catharines, Ontario. I was in Grade 9, probably learning math that I no longer understand.

What’s on your PVR/are you watching for free on the internet? I’m working my way through the seasons of House, and I try to keep up with The Office.

2012. Thoughts? I came across a site with a countdown, time left “till the end of the world”. Apparently there’s less than 700 days left. Make them count, people! Anyway, there are too many 2012 predictions to count. Hopefully the world lives to see 2013; it would be nice to graduate.

It’s February: what’s love got to do with it? Apparently a Saint Valentine was buried on February 14. That doesn’t sound very romantic, does it? He was executed for secretly marrying Christian couples, which was a crime during the reign of Claudius II. Thanks Wikipedia! Happy Valentine’s Day!

She Said: Travel!

Guinevere (Guin) Loi, 3L

I’m back in Edmonton after four months of traveling in Southeast Asia and Australia. I have been planning to go on exchange since my first year of law school and I spent last semester studying in Hong Kong. Spending a term abroad was one of the best decisions that I have made and I encourage you to take advantage of this opportunity.

1. Enhance your language skills. The most efficient way to learn a new language is to talk to native speakers, watch popular soap operas and listen to local music like K-pop.

2. Experience a different culture first hand. If you want to, you can try something new every day whether it is skydiving or having dim sum.

3. Make friends around the globe. This will give you an excuse to visit them in their home countries and possibly stay there for free!

4. Take classes that aren’t offered at the U of A. You can learn the law from a different perspective and get a better understanding of Canadian law by comparison.

5. Increase your employment opportunities. Potential employers look favorably upon experiences gained overseas and will likely ask you about them during interviews.

6. Pass/Fail Courses. Courses are approved ahead of time so they are guaranteed to transfer back to the U of A (if you pass all of them). Instead of a letter grade, a “CR” for credit will appear on your transcript.

7. Free Tuition? The Education Abroad Office offers awards and funding for student to go on exchange. A tuition waiver covers the equivalent of five 3-credit courses at the U of A. That means more money to go travel. Even without funding, you would just pay the regular U of A tuition fees.

8. Travel. The best thing about going on exchange is being able to travel and see the world. Depending on your budget and class schedule, you can go to a different country every other week. This will also allow you to post many Facebook albums and constantly update your status with exotic destinations.

The next time you trudge through -50 degree weather for another date with your McGill Guide and Timmy’s on the third floor of the law library, you should consider going on exchange. You could be surfing in Brazil, riding elephants in Thailand or skiing in Switzerland.

He Said: “This is a Shocker”

Graham Purse, 3L

(Editor’s Note: This is one of the best submissions I’ve ever received, enjoy!)

Thinking of Going Abroad? Stay home.

Obviously, there are powerful countervailing forces when one decides whether to go abroad: for argument’s sake, I will ignore the pros.

Edmonton Rocks. It’s a great city with great concerts, great sports, and an acceptably bourgeois nightlife. Sure, the winters are cruel, but eight months of the year are palatable. And when you are in Canada, the all-knowing governments subsidize everything perfectly with its untold prescience: hooray for utopia! You’d never find that abroad.

Also, the profs here are great. They’re generally intellectually intimidating – some of them sublimely so. What are you going to find abroad? More professors who have thought about the law in much more depth than yourself, making you feel like the puisne intellectual weakling that you are.

Travel is overrated, too. Go to a beach, look at some worn out building that was used for something that somebody once thought was important to someone, get drunk, see art for which rich people would be willing to pay too much if it were auctioned at Sotheby’s, and maybe get a venereal disease from a soul mate you first met last night at a Glaswegian discothèque. Really, why travel?

Consider for a moment the etymology of the word: travel is truly work! The voyage itself subjects you to the TSA or CATSA’s unwanted sexual advances, and then there is a Spanish-style inquisition at your customary customs-area welcome home. Also, why do babies have rights? Couldn’t we relegate them to steerage at the back of the plane?

And the classes. Good grief. What are you going to study abroad? Botswanan Maritime Law? Shaman Malpractice Torts? Law, Gender, and Estonian Colonialism? Mayan Perpetuities Reforms? Exobiological Constraints on Interstellar Law? Obfuscation and the Law? The Endor Holocaust: A Second-Wave Feminist, Post-Modern Critique? The possibilities are endless – and fruitless.

Sure, travel can be fun, but please stop trying to convince yourself that doing a semester abroad somehow will advance your legal education or help you blossom into a better, more culturally-rarefied ignoramus. If you are independently wealthy or a spoiled trust-fund kid, by all means have fun gallivanting around the world, but recognize that it is just that.

Me, I’d rather be here learning Canadian appellate-level jurisprudence, cause that’s all that I’m planning on practicing.

Law Show 2011: The Producer’s Perspective

Marc Yu, 3L

It is difficult to imagine that the two nights of Law Show 2011 were nine months in the making. Yes, it was hard to get out of the house in -25C weather and drive to school on Sunday evenings for dance rehearsals, and it was equally challenging to deal with all the speed bumps that dotted the path towards theatrical greatness, but I will look back at this year with unreserved fulfillment.

In addition to the financial contribution that we will be able to make to the Alberta Council of Women’s Shelters (at the time of this article we have yet to finish our accounting to determine the value of our final donation), the camaraderie that Law Show creates represents an additional benefit for our student body, school and profession. There were smiles all around on both performance nights, from inside the theatre to the lobby and of course backstage. It was a beautiful thing. With a cast and crew of approximately 150 students and many more in our audience, the collaborative effort of Law Show is virtually unparalleled by any other faculty.

It is frustrating when the exceptional work of our students goes unnoticed on campus, but with the help of the production committee, I felt that this year our show was better publicized than ever before. Many of our guests this year had no direct relationship to the students or staff at our school, and hopefully we were able to demonstrate the quality of our people, and our commitment towards not only our work but also our community. Congratulations to Jill Gamez and the rest of the Theatrical Committee and cast for their spectacular display of creativity.

In addition to the incredible talent that you see on stage, Law Show would not be possible without the efforts of many people off stage that deal with numerous logistical issues. Students have been actively developing relationship with old and new sponsors, ensuring fiscal responsibility, organizing the silent auction, cast party, sponsor thank-you party, refreshments, t-shirts, designing posters and programs, and producing dvds. It is a huge undertaking and while I had the honor of leading the Production Committee, let me assure you that I was not the only one that was devoting countless hours to ensure the show ran smoothly. You know who you are committee members! But I’ll say your name anyways – Kat, Kam, Megan, Alex, Katie, Lana, June, Amy, Joanna, Jay, Ken, Tatum, and Sam – thank you.

Best of luck with Law Show 2012 and beyond! I will be watching… and pretty much judging.

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