He Says… She Says: Holiday Gifts on a Budget

He (Mario van Peebles): Christmas is here, and you have to buy a thoughtful gift for each member of your family, and maybe a pack of gum or something for your friends. But wait, you say, “I already blew my bursary cheque at Edo!” You have options for quick “gifts” that won’t “break the bank”.

She (Madame Dégueulasse): Christmas brings to mind memories of the old man lighting the front lawn on fire by tossing an Instant Light Firelog off the porch on Christmas Eve. Even if you dread the impending shame of being picked up from that Christmas party by the Big Bambino wearing nothing but a bathrobe, flashing the Westside symbol, we’ve got you covered to make this year easier than Paris Hilton on a benzo drip.

FOR MOM

She: She suspects that you’re probably tramping it up in law school, and even Lord Denning couldn’t get you off of that charge. You could tell her that you made Dean’s List but Mama Bear is no fool. Your best bet is to scan an old photograph of the two of you from the days when you weren’t such a hot mess to remind her that she did her best.

He: Accept her friend request, give her a long speech about how she is becoming more and more like her mother every day, or write a letter revealing that you ended a pregnancy because you “just didn’t think [she] was ready to be a Grandma”.

FOR PAPA

He: A photo of the woman he was engaged to before your Mom, to “remind [him] what [he's] missing”, getting yourself a job, or cut down all the trees surrounding your parents’ home so he won’t have to clean the goddamn eaves.

She: The big man resents how much goddamn money you cost him and would rather hit the pub than morning mass on Christmas day. This holiday season it’s time to give in. Let him get drunk and “be somebody”. Get him a bottle of Bailey’s and let him add it to his coffee as many times as he deems necessary.

FOR YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER

She: He doesn’t know if it’s law school or living in Edmonton but he’s noticed that you’ve really gone downhill. You used to be a bit of a lady but now you’re slurring your words and wearing underwear from Dollarama. Write him a number of sexy “love cheques” that he can cash whenever he pleases. To really step it up a notch, shave your legs beforehand.

He: Give her pet chinchilla named after a friend of hers who has recently died, a box of Zovirax, let her use foreign words in Scrabble even though the rules clearly forbid it, remind her that you must obtain the legally required verbal consent to each escalation of sexual activity by asking “ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS? SERIOUSLY?” or dogshitTM cupcakes.

FOR YOUR OTHER FAMILY

He: get your grandparents a dictionary of alternatives to racist slurs, or one of those claws used to pick up garbage that can also be used to discipline their cats.

She: Your brother is sick of shoveling the driveway and wants you and your friends out of the basement. He used to think they were hot but has overheard so many conversations about taking “huge dumps” and Edward Cullen that he’s over it. The best thing you can do for this man is to stop him from chain smoking in the garage by getting him a McDonald’s coupon booklet so he can take advantage of the daily deals.